While Sean and I were sitting in my living room today he discovered something cool about Chuck Norris on Wikipedia. It turns out that his real first name is the same as mine, Carlos. That’s right, Chuck Norris and I have the same first name. And while I think his political views are shit it’s still kinda cool. So in honor of this recent revelation I gathered some of my favorite Chuck Norris jokes/facts. Chris told me not to post these jokes because he doesn’t think they’re funny, but I think they’re hilarious.



• They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

• Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

• Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

• There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

• Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

• Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

• Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.